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Why Silence is Restorative

How to improve conversations with mindful pauses

Over several years of conversations, I’ve come to realize that silence is a very difficult thing to accept for many people.

I’ve searched for mindful, thoughtful conversations my entire life and found nuggets of what works and hasn’t worked for me. I’ve had many conversations, some with non-stop dialogue and others with several pauses.

When was the last time you felt comfortable taking a breath of silence in the middle of your conversation?

How did you feel? Did the experience enrich you?

A lot of us worry that a long pause can send the wrong message.

Imagine that you’ve explained something at length to your conversation partner. But your partner doesn’t say anything for a long while.

“Ahhh, the conversation is dying…!” An awkward fish flails in your mind as you start to wonder if you shouldn’t have said anything. You start to wonder if the person is silently judging you.

What if we saw silence as a shelf space in the air for our words to momentarily sit, resting until we could digest what we’d heard?

The best part of accepting silence as part of the conversation is that nobody feels compelled to break the silence.

Speaking about his Japanese animation films in a 2002 interview, Hayao Miyazaki clapped his hands slowly several times. Between each clap, there was a silence. He did it to demonstrate a particular point:

I saw something profound in Miyazaki’s balance of “emptiness” and “action”. The parallel connections I discovered:

Too much sound, and we get lost within the noise. Too little sound, and the silence can feel unnerving, uncomfortable, rude, empty, or boring. Finding the right balance can feel tricky because each person likely has different preferences.

When we embrace silence as part of a natural conversation, we voluntarily make the choice to keep our conversations moving from silence to action, from action to silence.

During a phone call I had with a new friend, our exchange lapsed into a notable pause. My first impulse was to say something to fill the silence, but then I didn’t because I wanted to take more time to process what my friend had said.

I let myself take a longer pause. A pause that stretched into ten or fifteen seconds, which can feel like eternity in most conversations.

We did not know each other very well at the time, but knew that we both valued conversations about what felt important to us, and generally avoided small talk. Perhaps that helped me feel okay about extending the silence.

My observant friend asked, “Is there anything else on your mind?”

I intuitively knew he had accepted that moment of silence.

No “ums” or coughs that suggested he was unnerved by the silence.

He had chosen to break it because he believed it was a good time to restart the exchange of words.

And in this space, I would have felt comfortable enough saying either of these responses:

Because I wasn’t pressured to respond right away, I could take time to search my inner thoughts, beliefs, and memories more deeply.

In doing so, I could take time to digest my friend’s comment and respond to it more thoughtfully. There was no fear of silence here.

I took a breath and absorbed the peaceful quiet of my surroundings. That brief change of scenery gave me a mental reset. I came up with fresh input for the conversation when it picked back up.

Silence was restorative. It added depth to the conversation I had that day and many others — some of the most thoughtful, authentic ones that benefit from additional time to ponder.

Imagine if people could perceive silence as something meaningful, not just a waste of time.

Often stressed or hurried, we become disinclined to observe intentionally held silence. We lose patience. In fast-paced contemporary culture, we are not rewarded for digesting things slowly, but instead pushed to be as efficient as possible.

What does it mean to see silence as restorative? I am inviting us to accept pauses as part of the usual rhythms of conversation. To be thoughtful means taking in what we’ve heard, in all its entirety, and giving ourselves time to reflect before we respond.

To thoughtfully listen and respond takes time and effort.

Most of all, it takes great effort to pay attention in the present moment. If we are too distracted to pay attention, we are not being thoughtful. If we are too focused on the past or present, we are not grounded in what our speaker is telling us right now.

A meaningful conversation needs to connect people together in their minds and feelings. One can call it a blend of contemplation and empathy. A moment of stillness between actions allows us to really appreciate that present moment together.

Perhaps it is because of that pause, which takes up space, that our minds become more attentive when we start the words back up.

When I had my conversation with my friend, the silent moments let me notice my surroundings. I was also able to recall memories and thoughts that I wanted to share. I was not able to think of those memories right away, but the pause gave me space to initiate that recall.

Instead of trying to think of what else to say next, without pause, we can take time to just breathe and take a break. Let the ideas flow when they are ready.

Silence isn’t the problem. It’s our lack of clarity about what the silence means. It’s our default assumption that silence is bad.

If so, some encouraging words to release that fear could be helpful.

Perhaps we’d like a moment of silence to process those emotions before sharing it with others. Or perhaps it could help to talk about something more lighthearted.

Depending on the context behind silence, we may choose to use silence or dialogue. It means we don’t automatically assume words are better than silence.

As individuals, silence can give us the space to really process how we think and feel. Many of us turn to silence for healing. Many times, being alone provides space for this silent healing, and silent activities may include:

Whichever method you choose, try to befriend the silence.

For example, in meditation, we focus on breathing in slowly, noticing the air coming into your entire body, and out through our entire body. The focus on our breath, and the silence that allows for this focus, takes our headspace away from the chaos of the world. It can take us away from the chaos of our inner world too.

Sometimes, when I would like a longer period of silence during a conversation, I might want to clarify my intentions with the person. This way, my conversational partner will not take my silence as a sign of indifference.

I might say something along the lines of:

Generally, this has worked well.

We can experiment with different variations of what works for us. When people understand your reasons for silence, you might find that you all naturally accept silence within the conversation. And you might not even need to clarify your silences anymore!

Silence can become a viable option, and one that gives us an amazing way to ponder and deeply consider what was just said.

That isn’t to say people should be chastised if they prefer to fill the silence.

To have an organic conversation full of stories, laughter, and discussion is wonderful. Many entertaining conversations have a sense of flow, like you can never stop talking and still have fun. Those are great qualities to have in a conversation.

However, when we need more time to process what we’ve heard, it is okay to take a moment of silence.

Sometimes, silence can even be a better response than words.

For example, when someone is in deep grief, it may be that words just aren’t enough to console them. A moment of silence, accompanied by a squeeze of the hand, can convey emotional support. Silence can also offer someone space to cry and grieve, without judgment or interpretation.

A few takeaways:

Silence gives us the space to listen to ourselves and others far more deeply. And it keeps us rooted in the present moment.

We may find this as a way to slow down in a world that manically keeps us rushing. I wholeheartedly encourage everyone to try it.

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