The Value of the Idea of Good Versus Indifferent

The lesson is no longer about good and evil.

It was nerve wracking today. It was my first day back from work after spending the last two days with my daughter as she waded thru the tech imbibed world of 5th grade distance learning.

I was uneasy. Thankfully, my wife was off today and was able to attend to her needs … if any.

As I settled into work, we experienced WiFi issues, Zoom connectivity challenges and, for me at least, attention distractions up the wall.

We survived the morning grievances and joined each other in the kitchen for a brief respite of lunch. Afterwards, I had a 4 hour technical training to lead while my daughter was going to be joining her afternoon session to close out the day.

About 15 minutes before my training was to start, I could hear heightened voices coming from the living room.

“What are these texts about sex and men watching porn?!?!”, I heard my wife announce.

I immediately went to the living room and found my daughter in tears and my frustrated wife heading into the other room in disgust. The details at this point don’t matter but basically, somehow, my daughter had clicked on a link on my wife’s tablet that then spiraled into 3–4 pages of, let’s just say, more than inappropriate content for a 10 year old.

I am the great equalizer of the family. While my wife is the disciplinary force, I weigh in with common sense and political evenness. I directed my daughter to the living room couch for our normal one-on-one talks.

“Okay, what happened,” I asked.

Again, the details at this point don’t matter and, being the political middle ground, I chose not to point fingers but to figure out root cause and ultimate solution (that’s my fin tech grounding coming into play).

After a lengthy discussion, I took another route.

In the heat of the moment, I could have broken it down to a position of “this is good” and “this is bad”. But instead, I took the approach of helping her understand the meaning and the differences. There were things in this situation that were in her control and those that were not.

I trust that she didn’t intend to look at those pages purposely for kicks. I may be wrong, but time will tell.

I try not to sway my daughter by explaining good and evil to her. I try to explain to her what is good and what just doesn’t matter. In this instance, the good was the strain of dealing with a hard situation. There is deep emotional learning in that. The shit that just doesn’t matter is my wife being frustrated and disappointed by her unintended actions. That sits with my wife and only her, not our daughter.

“I believe you and I know that you didn’t mean to go to those pages,” I responded to her face full of tears. “I know that you know better and that you can learn from this experience.”

“Why are you crying?”, I asked.

“Because mommy is upset with me and is talking down to me.”

I could very easily have called it a day, given her a cookie, dried her tears then expanded on the argument that my wife was in the wrong and my daughter was right. No one was right or wrong in this situation. Additionally, creating camps of right and wrong would serve absolutely no purpose.

In this case, I exerted my strength as “pappa bear” to provide empathy, direction and focus in a time of angst. It is not easy.

But nothing about these next 181 days will be easy. The last 2 days were easy because they are in the past. Hindsight ya’ll, of course, is 20–20 (so timely, I know, 2020, right?). Now, the challenge is learning from every single lesson going forward. The passive and aggressive teachings are equally important.

It’s the indifference to the moment that will be the true failure of my fatherhood. But it’s a lesson in practice that I’m attempting to pass on to my daughter.

How did I do?

By the way, somehow, I still made it to my training on time and completed it with a rally of gratitude from the trainees. If they only knew the personal items in the background, I think I would have received a standing ovation.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaat is a father, husband, uncle, friend, writer, runner (sometimes), re-inventor and sharer of life and the things that bind us. He also washes dishes. Follow or message him on Twitter @maaaaaaaaaaaaat to extend the conversation.

Related posts:

I know some may be wondering what is a social media detox, if the title is not self explanatory within itself. It is simply removing yourself from social media platforms, whether its engaging or…

The legacy my father left behind after his death was not noticeable at first. Some legacies are not tangible material items.

Marriage between two souls. Two minds that didn't know. That love and passion often cover up bumps in the road ahead. And the remedy necessary to move past them. But to make it last, is bigger than…