The expectations of a relationship

I’ve been wrong all along

The last time I met with my therapist, we talked about moving forward from the low place I had just been in. She told me something that I remind myself of daily to keep myself from losing my mind. “You’re at the bottom of a well not the edge of a cliff,” she tells me. It’s helpful. And it’s how I’m beginning to re-frame the situations I encounter in life. Expectations are a huge part of being human and I din’t realize that until now — my expectations of a relationship are not realistic and I want to consider re-framing them into something I can actively look for.

You know, I didn’t really understand what the term “daddy issues” meant until a couple weeks ago? I saw a tweet with the phrase and I looked up and asked my friends whom were in the car with me.

“What does ‘daddy issues’ mean? Why is it such a big deal when it comes to relationships?”

Thankfully, they didn’t judge me and instead gave me pretty insightful answers as to what their interpretations were. We concluded that “daddy issues” had something to do not having a father figure growing up and then becoming dependent on someone (usually in a relationship) to provide a strong character to look up to. Yeah, something like that.

Oh, no. I’m saying that I have “daddy issues.” But maybe? I’m not sure. In this previous session we actually spent a lot of time focusing on the relationship of my parents, what went wrong, how the divorce happened, and how it affected me being so young (I was in the first grade!)

The relationship I have with my Dad is interesting. I grew up close to both my parents. And then at some point it really just became my Mom and me. I think that was because of their divorce. After that, my siblings and I sort of just gravitated towards our Mom because she was caring, loving, and supportive. Not to say that my Dad wasn’t but it was just different.

He came from Mexico at eighteen years old and he had to make a life here. His ways of thinking are traditional and family-first. But my Mom was very “Americanized” because she was raised in the U.S. as well. Communicating with my Dad was difficult because he tried to build me into a stereotypical boy. I played baseball and had race-cars as toys. He was into cars and machines and always tried to get me into the garage to teach me about it but I could never be bothered into actually enjoying it. That’s just when it fell through though. And now it’s pretty much the same.

I’ve grown up, moved away to college, and I’ve began forming a life of my own. And I’m my own person. I’ll be honest, I don’t call him as much as I should and I do feel bad about that. But communication with him is hard and I’d rather focus my time and energy on myself and my education.

I really only reach out if there’s a family gathering or if I need money — but that hasn’t happened recently since I’ve been working at my first job.

The first relationship that I’ve ever known was the one my parents destroyed. And since then it’s been perfect movie/TV relationships that are as superficial as they come. Reading has also shaped me into the person I am today and let’s be honest — The Hunger Games love-triangle isn’t going to happen to me anytime soon, unfortunately.

I’ve seen my sisters go through their first-loves and breakups. I’ve seen it all especially with the great advice my friends tell me I give. Seriously. Ask them. I’m an expert when it comes to relationships as long as they aren’t my own. I’m sure you could say the same as well.

But none of helps me. The characters I see on TV are fictional along with their problems and relationships. The relationships I’ve grown up around have all fallen apart. So that doesn’t really leave me with much to go off.

Either a perfect relationship — or one that will destroy you.

This is also unhealthy for me to think because of my tendency to think in extremes, like all or nothing, black or white, 1's and 0’s. It’s either or and that’s what I expect. And for some reason I can’t seem to shake these expectations. I’ve been wrong all along. I’ve been expecting a perfect person to fall into my life and teach me what love is. I’m waiting for the curse to be broken and I awake with the true memories of who I am and who I love. But I’ve also seen love turn dark and cruel. I’ve seen it tear someone and take everything they had from them.

The first experience I ever had with “love” was pretty recent in this short life I’ve lived. And I’ve felt it all — the heartbreak, the pain, the suffering, the power it can have over you. It makes you do wild things, I’ll tell you that.

My expectations of love and relationships have been skewed to be either magical or explosive. And that’s why I can’t even keep a good relationship with myself. Because I’m either practicing self care and treating myself right or causing harm to myself and others and being reckless.

Expectations have a funny way of making the world around us look wrong. And to be honest, I don’t know how to realign them. I’ll probably try by having some sort of clean reference point. Or maybe having no expectations at all.

I am going re-center my expectations and stop thinking I can only have a relationship that is extreme in either direction. Only then will I have a balance of what to expect when looking for a potential partner.

And maybe, just maybe, my expectations will line up with my life.

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