The Prison of Perfectionism

Perfectionism and my critical inner voice are long time business partners whispering in my ear to learn more, improve myself, work a little harder. And I did. I never stopped educating myself but how I invested my time didn’t improve the quality of my life. The phrases I’d tell myself were, “if only I were more articulate, then…” or “if I can earn the promotion, then…” or “if my husband had a better job, then…” or “if I wasn’t so tired from caring for my family, then…”. The kind of vocabulary I used in my home says a lot about my perfectionism: efficiency, effectiveness, productivity, cost of labor, the time requirements to do the job. I was never enough. My work was never good enough. Your work was never good enough. I’d not allow you to do the work because I wanted it done the way I thought it should be done. Even folding the laundry or setting the table. And it gets worse. You can’t possible know the solution because I’ve lived longer and have more wisdom. I’d deny my children the right to make mistakes and learn from them. The prison I created and confined myself to didn’t have anything to do with improving my relationships with the most important people in my life, my family. The time I spent there had a crushing impact on my family. The partnership killed the business.

I’ve had to redefine the business relationship I have with perfectionism and critical inner voice because they are still with me today. I can’t allow them to take an active role in managing the business. They sit on the board of directors now and provide advice to me that I can either take or leave. Today I have a conscious decision to make to either incorporate their suggestions or ignore them. How I make use of their suggestions has shifted. Instead of trying to improve someone else, I use the thought to understand myself, my fears, my unmet needs. Some of the time. I’m still learning how to do this. My daughter is challenged to pass her high school classes because she doesn’t complete the class assignments. Yesterday I asked her what the one thing she did for her mental health that day and what the one thing she did to meet her school commitments. Perhaps I should have asked myself those questions and let her solve her own problems.

Of course I want to continue to improve myself, mainly my relationships, so I am challenged to do so in a way that respects the woman I am today and the accomplishments I’ve achieved. The woman I am today delights in her uniqueness and appreciates others for their individuality. She understands abandonment and knows to love herself and fill her own tank. She is working to cultivate a meaningful life and knows she’s exactly where she needs to be this moment. My accomplishments are that I loved and married my husband and gave birth to three children and raised a beautiful family. I’ve walked through death, grief, and loss and learned from it. I am an engaged and thoughtful single parent who is improving her parenting every day as new challenges arise. I am a sober member of my family of origin and appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of growing up within it.

By sensitively caring for and encouraging myself, I’ll be able to care for and nourish my family, to walk alongside them in a supportive role. To care for myself requires me to listen to my smallest voice, especially when perfectionism and critical inner voice are badgering me, to do what it takes to focus on the right things and let the rest of it go. I’ve learned to visually “put the whip away” when perfectionism and critical inner voice rear their ugly heads. I’m becoming softer and gentler and I’m more patient today, with myself and others. I suppose I will always have a relationship with and will continue to learn from the board, but I suspect over time the board will play a less significant role in my business.

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